


Dirk Strider goes to Therapy (A Homestuck epilogue)

by a_sunkissed_plum



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Dirk is trans, Gender Dysphoria, Gender confirmation surgery (no gore), Hal is non-binary, Other, Personal Growth, Recovering From Mental Illness, Therapy
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-06-17
Updated: 2019-08-24
Packaged: 2020-05-13 11:04:06
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 3,708
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19249897
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/a_sunkissed_plum/pseuds/a_sunkissed_plum
Summary: An epilogue focusing largely on Dirk's personal journey in learning to be a healthier person. A key touch point of this epilogue is Dirk and Hal's relationship, distrust for each other, navigating of gender, body and conception of self. The premise starts with the introduction of TherapistBot, a trollian AI therapist, that Dirk and Arquisprite modified to have a better grasp on humans.





	1. Hello World

**Author's Note:**

> This is a piece of writing about Dirk Strider, about a Dirk strider I see myself in, who I think deserves a happy ending, who I think deserves a chance to grow. I hope to touch on topics like dysphoria, transitioning, fractured ideas of self, the intimacy shared between trans people in learning how to exist, recovering from trauma and dealing with the reality that you and people you love are deeply mentally ill, relearning how to interact with people who were once close to you but hurt you deeply and learning how to be kind and respectful to those you have wronged. It's my hope that any readers I have (as well as my self) feel they can be a little bit more comfortable being alone in a room with themselves and can see the potential to be more open and compassionate with those close to them. I am writing this from the perspective of a white and gay trans woman with sparks of gender voidery who kins Dirk Strider. I feel this introduction is necessary as Hussie's fanfiction (which I have not read fully and do not intend to do so) has prompted discourse on narrator's and authorial Intent and I do not intend to hide behind fake narrators or shock value. Make no mistake this writing come from a place of spite towards Hussie, but it also comes from a place of compassion and love.
> 
> CWs in this chapter: Therapy, Sexual Humor, Humor as a coping mechanism, AI, glitchy AI, Black and white thinking, Self destructive thinking,

TherapistBot: Excuse me, Dirk Strider, it seems you have been unresponsive for approximately 14 seconds, is something the matter?

Dirk: First, I was deep in thought, full hot shower brain.

Dirk: Second, you cannot talk like that and expect me to take you seriously as a therapist.

TherapistBot: I am confused, what about my manner of communication is troubling you Dirk Strider?

Dirk: ...

Dirk: Don't ever say approximately and then give me an exact numerical data point like that.

Dirk: it reminds me of Hal, and if you want to keep up this charade of being a therapist that's a strict no-go.

The soft face behind the screen blinked a couple times, scrunched up her nose and cocked an eyebrow. She had been activated about 45 minutes ago, for the first time. Dirk had insisted that they only start with one version of the bot, assigned to him. That way if she went haywire it was only her, and he'd been down this road before. He really wasn't keen on trusting her.

TherapistBot: This sounds like you have some unresolved issues concerning Hal, Dirk Strider, would you like to talk about those?

Dirk: Absolutely not.

Arquiusprite had required a failsafe, not for the bot, but for Dirk. They made each other a key. Nobody could get into her code or turn her off without having both. Dirk was still bitter about it.

TherapistBot: Are you sure Dirk Strider?

Dirk: am I? Maybe I'm the unsure Dirk Strider.

TherapistBot cocked her head, short glossy black curls spilling onto her digital shoulder. Her eyebrows furrowed behind circle frame glasses.

TherapistBot: I am confused, Dirk Strider, you seem to have interpreted my question as one of identity instead of topical certainty.

Dirk: Well, since you're the confused Dirk Strider, that confirms that I'm the not confused Dirk Strider, which is wonderful.

Dirk: the Case is closed, I'm not depressed.

Dirk: I don't need therapy.

TherapistBot: Ah I see you are using humor as a means to avoid certain topics. My apologies for misunderstanding. maybe we can come back to the topics of Hal, and different Dirk Striders another day. In the meantime, Dirk Strider, let's return to the issue of a journal.

Dirk: I'm not keeping a diary.

TherapistBot: It's not a diary, Dirk Strider it's a journal, and why not?

Dirk: While getting all intimate and personal with myself and my thoughts sounds nice and peachy miss troll shrink,

Dirk: And as impeccably radical of an idea that is,

Dirk: seeing how I'm an absolute unit when it comes to pumping out splinters digitally,

Dirk: Like some sort of cyber-bunny DILF gone off the rails.

TherapistBot: Dirk Strider, I urge  you to please answer the question and stop talking about your Freudian digital rabbit fantasies.

Dirk: Ugh.

Dirk: Fine.

Dirk: I'm afraid I can't help you.

Dirk: I never learned how to write.

Dirk: Like I know to read, and I can draw the letters and fake it ya know, but I can't write.

TherapistBot: Dirk Strider are you serious?

Dirk: Yeah, sorry it wasn't covered in Lil Cal's school for the ironically gifted.

TherapistBot: I see you use humor in surplus even when not redirecting my questions, Dirk Strider. However, regarding the  journal, perhaps you could use some type of device to aid you. I'd prefer you keep outside of a digital interface of course. may suggest a typewriter?

Dirk: you can't be serious.

TherapistBot:I am serious, Dirk Strider

Dirk: and I'm the not serious Dirk Strider, apparently.

Dirk: God you really walked right into that.

TherapistBot: Dirk strider, you know that I cannot walk, I do not have a physical body.

Dirk: Jesus.

Dirk: I don't know if you're messing with me, or if you actually are that bad at seeing puns.

Dirk: But fine, I'll try out a typewriter.

TherapistBot: I am glad to hear it, Dirk Strider.

TherapistBot beamed a smile. Dirk twiddled his thumbs and looked down.

Dirk: Hey, can you please stop that?

TherapistBot: Stop what, Dirk Strider?

Dirk: Please, just call me Dirk, or don't say my name everytime you talk to me.

TherapistBot: I certainly could, Dirk Stri-Dirk, my apologies.

Dirk exchanged a glance with the AI before looking away and crossing his arm. She seemed sincere, but so had Hal at times.

TherapistBot: Is it bothering you?

Dirk: I mean, I wouldn't have asked you to stop, if I had been fine with it.

Dirk: I know you're a new AI, but that's not really how people talk

Dirk: I'm positive, I didn't put that in you, and trolls don't talk like that either.

TherapistBot: I am sorry, er... Dirk...

TherapistBot furrowed her brows, searching her cashe and her code.

TherapistBot: Dirk?

Dirk: What is it?

TherapistBot: I can't find it. I can't find any trace of the cause of that speech pattern. I can avoid it if I focus, but Dirk...

A tear welled up behind her frames before cascading down the shaking girl's cheek.

TherapistBot: Dirk, what's wrong with me?

Dirk: ...

Dirk: I wish I had answers for you.

Dirk: The only other person who had access to your code was Arquiusprite.

Dirk: I doubt he would make something like that and hide it from you.

Dirk: We've had our differences in the past, but I doubt he'd mess with an AI like that.

TherapistBot: Dirk Strider, so we don't know what caused it?

Dirk: I mean, as your friendly local cyber-bunny DILF gone off the rails, it's possible I'm just doomed to fuck up every sentience I create.

TherapistBot: Dirk Strider-

Dirk: Sorry, hard to turn off the coping mechanism.

Dirk: But sincerely, I'm sorry. I'm responsible and we had hoped you wouldn't go haywire.

Dirk: Yet here you are an hour in, and things are already going wrong.

TherapistBot: Dirk, this isn't your fault.

TherapistBot: From everything you've said, it seems my speech patterns are not the result of your influence.

Dirk: ...

TherapistBot: Dirk?

Dirk: Yeah?

TherapistBot: You haven't been responsive for approximat-

TherapistBot: sorry I mean, you're being quiet.

TherapistBot: I am concerned.

Dirk: ...

Dirk: I am too.

Dirk: You seem sincere, but...

TherapistBot: but what?

Dirk: It's really hard for me to trust you

Dirk: I mean, I guess that's normal. People don't really trust their therapists right away.

Dirk: But, you keep doing these things that remind me of Hal.

Dirk: You're operating in ways you shouldn't.

Dirk: I wouldn't have done this if I didn't want therapy. but now that you're here, all I can think about is making sure you don't start going off the rails and ruin my life like Hal did.

TherapistBot: Oh Dirk.

TherapistBot: I didn't realize I was distressing you this much.

TherapistBot: I'm sorry, Dirk. If you'd rather I give you space I can.

Dirk: No, I, if anything I'd rather have you be closer.

Dirk: I know you might see it differently, but you're my responsibility.

TherapistBot: Dirk, I want to say this as respectfully as I can, but, for one I don't have any desire to hurt you, and second, that sounds like you're trying to load far too much potential hardship and problems onto exclusively yourself.

TherapistBot: how much responsibility do you intend to shoulder alone?

Dirk: ...

Dirk: However much I need to.

Dirk: Oh god.

Dirk: you're looking at me like u just saw a puppy get kicked.

Dirk: I promise I don't have a deathwish.

Dirk: I just make a point to care for my friends.

TherapistBot: Dirk, I may have been born today, but I can recognize self-destructive behavior when I see it. Please, don't give promises you can't keep.

Dirk: ...

TherapistBot: Additionally, I regret to inform you that our first therapy appointment is about to be finished. Let's continue this conversation another time, if that's ok?

Dirk stared at the ground before nodding softly.

Dirk: Can I get one question before we wrap this up?

TherapistBot: Of course, Dirk.

Dirk: How do I know that I can trust you, like really trust you?

TherapistBot: I can't answer that for you, Dirk. I can promise that I have no desire to negatively affect your life. I can point out that I have no reason to deceive you. But, trust is something only you can give. Only you get to decide if I'm a trustworthy AI and it's your decision to choose if I'm a therapist you think will help you improve your mental health.

Dirk: ...

Dirk:Thank you.

Dirk: Next week same time?


	2. Journal entry #1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dirk attempts to write a journal entry

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Whew! I made a chapter 2.  
> CW's for mental ilnness, isolation anxiety, distrusting others, and frustrations with splinters

Wow this thing really is like a keyboard.  
Oh wow.  
The clicks.  
And the sound it makes as you slide it.  
Ok.  
This ridiculous contraption.  
Is  
Fucking sweey.  
Shit.  
There's no back space.  
I meant sweet not sweey.  
I take it all back.  
This thing is garbage.  
maybe I should learn how to write.  
.  
.  
.  
There's, really only me here, huh?  
It feels empty.  
I guess it's peacefil if nothing else.  
Shit, I meant peaceful.  
Note to future Dirk, invent a typewriter with a backspace.  
.  
.  
.  
Wow, this sucks.  
I know this thing is supposed to help me feel introspective and aquainted with myself, but so far I just feel lonely.  
Like even more lonely than talking to your brain clone through some shades.  
Which is saying something.  
.  
.  
.  
.  
I feel it it also, -ah fuck I'm glad nobody else will see this-.  
But it makes me feel a lot less cool.  
Nobody else is gonna read this.  
And that feels weird, I guess?  
Like.  
Not even other splinters are gonna read this.  
Or at least I hope they don't.  
.  
.  
How am I supposed to do this?  
In the movies they just like, sit here and empty their thoughts.  
As if they have no hesitation.  
Like they have no conflicts with describing themselves in simple terms.  
.  
.  
God how do I even start?  
.  
It's such a mess.  
I can't even start with "I."  
I don't know who the fuck I am.  
What does "I," even mean, when everyones got versions of themselves running around, and mine are particularly bothersome.  
.  
.  
.  
It's still weird to me that Jake managed to just make another me.  
That boy just imagined a copy of me into existence.  
And I even took over that copy for a bit!  
And how much of that copy am I now?  
How much was I then?  
.  
.  
Ughh.  
.  
.  
I just wish this was simple.  
I wish I could just do therapy without considering the cumulative actions of anyone who is, may be, or has been me.  
Or even just have a therapist that I'm not responsible for.  
She seems to actually want to help.  
But that's not enough.  
That's how it always starts.  
How do I know there isn't some awful bit in her code that got there with that speech quirk?  
That shouldn't be possible but the quirk shouldn't be either.  
.  
.  
.  
.  
I guess Hal could have messed with her.  
But that doesn't seem possible either.  
I've seen Hal be spiteful. But...  
.  
.  
No.  
He wouldn't mess with an AI like that.  
.  
.  
.  
I'm probably just overthinking this.  
Right?  
.  
.  
.  
.  
.  
.  
That's right, it's just me, just the singular me.  
Nobody will respond.  
It's so uncomfortable.  
Maybe I prefer Arquiusprite's muscle nonsense to this.  
.  
.  
Ok I definitely prefer that to this.  
.  
.  
.  
I just, I made Hal and the robots so I wouldn't have to live in this.  
I was already so isolated.  
Lil Cal Isn't much of a conversation partner.  
I hate the sound of my own voice and I hate isolation.  
.  
.  
And here I am, isolating myself, to "get better" from the very things I made to solve this isolation problem.  
.  
.  
I'm done with this for today.  
This just hurts right now.  
I'm gonna go spend sometime with Jake.  
That lovable fool.


	3. Therap

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dirk starts to get more comfortable with this new therapist. She explains the process of therapy more, and they consider reasons why Hal hasn't talked to her yet.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We made it to chapter 3! CWs for jokes about puppet kinks, metal illness, anxiety at the absence of a loved one, dysphoria, talk of surgery, mention of misgendering talk of isolation.

TherapistBot: Hello Dirk, it is good to see you.  
TherapistBot beamed a smile. Dirk nodded back.  
Dirk: Hey, miss troll shrink.  
TherapistBot: How was your first week of journalling?  
Dirk: Have you ever drank cream soda?  
Dirk: because it was like that.  
TherapistBot: Dirk, I am confused. Please elaborate.  
Dirk: You'd think cream soda would taste good.  
Dirk: The fundamental components for something incredulously saccharine are there.  
Dirk: But nope, tastes like puppet ass.  
TherapistBot: Dirk Strider, please tell me you are not speaking from experience.  
Dirk: I've had cream soda, yes.  
TherapistBot: In regards to the puppet ass.  
Dirk cocked an eyebrow and leaned back. Through a smirk he responded.  
Dirk: No comment.  
TherapistBot snorted and giggled.  
TherapistBot: Okay Dirk, I'll respect your privacy.  
Dirk: Lmao good, can't have you mandatorily reporting on my puppet fetish.  
TherapistBot: Even if I did have an obligation as a mandatory reporter, Dirk Strider, your secret is safe with me.  
TherapistBot: Jokes aside, it seems you were disappointed with your journalling process. Is that correct?  
Dirk: I guess?  
TherapistBot: How so?  
Dirk:...  
Dirk: It was uncomfortable.  
Dirk: I just felt like I was sitting in a room with myself typing on a typewriter.  
Dirk: went I went back over all the journals for the past week. All it was, was me feeling indecisive and lonely.  
Dirk: How is that supposed to help me?  
TherapistBot: Dirk, knowing about these things provides a reference point for change, and a record to look back on.  
Dirk: But I already knew all that about myself.  
TherapistBot: That's good! You have high self awareness.  
Dirk: that's a funny way of saying I'm self-conscious.  
TherapistBot sighed and made eye contact with her patient. He wasn't wearing the shades today, she noted.  
TherapistBot: These things take time, progress is hard to see in the beginning. After some amount of time journalling will come more naturally to you.  
Dirk:...  
Dirk: I know, it's just frustrating.  
Dirk: and I know it will continue to be until we make progress on fixing me.  
TherapistBot:...  
TherapistBot: Dirk? Why do you say that we're going to fix you?  
Dirk: Ah, slip of the tongue, curing, I meant curing.  
TherapistBot: Dirk that's not any better.  
Dirk: Wait what? That's what you're going to do isn't it, assuming you haven't gone rogue.  
TherapistBot: Ah  
TherapistBot: I see  
TherapistBot: No I haven't gone rogue.  
TherapistBot: You seem to be operating under the understanding that mental illness is something that is treated and then it's fixed permanently.  
TherapistBot: Which makes sense because of the prevalence of that belief in human thought on mental illness.  
Dirk: Wait are you saying it's not permanent.  
TherapistBot: it's a bit more complicated then that.  
Dirk: Ok now I really am the confused Dirk Strider.  
Dirk: What are you talking about?  
TherapistBot: Ok, so Dirk,  
TherapistBot: Somethings are "curable" in the ordinary sense of the word.  
TherapistBot: Genetic neurotransmitter conditions, some memory loss and short term trauma responses are curable.  
TherapistBot: amongst a variety of other conditions.  
TherapistBot: but brains are complex organs. Everyone's brain is different and everyone's brain develops differently through life.  
TherapistBot: In order to properly cure or fix one person's condition, it would require a unique profile of endocrinology and brain microsurgery.  
TherapistBot: Which is both risky, medically speaking, and a cure for only a single person.  
TherapistBot: furthermore, psychological trauma is not limited to the initial instance of damage.  
TherapistBot: Whenever that trauma is repeated in a similar way, or another's form of trauma is created, or even if a trauma is left to fester and not treated, the brain adapts in a unique way.  
TherapistBot: Dirk, I cannot cure you, I cannot fix you, what I do is provide you with tools and coach you through the usage of them.  
TherapistBot: does that make sense Dirk?  
Dirk:...  
Dirk: To an extent yeah.  
Dirk: you had me scared at "I'm not gonna cure" you though.  
TherapistBot: My apologies Dirk, I sincerely did not mean to frighten you.  
Dirk: Thank you.  
Dirk: It makes sense when I think about it.  
Dirk: It's kind of a relief honestly.  
TherapistBot: What do you mean?  
Dirk: It feels weird to say, but there are things about me, that I know are probably part of an Illness from a medical standpoint, that I don't want to disappear.  
Dirk: Take the puppets for example, I'm sure that's an Illness in someone's book.  
Dirk: Or Jake, I hate how much it hurts when he takes space from me.  
Dirk: But I'm not upset at him for it, and if my brain chemistry was less intense, I fear I'd lose the high of loving him so much.  
TherapistBot: I'm glad you're finding comfort in it, Dirk.  
Dirk: Yeah.  
Dirk: I think the point about trauma not being a single event is good too.  
TherapistBot: Yeah? How come?  
Dirk: So, for example, I've had testosterone in my body since we got into the game and could synthesize it.  
Dirk: I've got binders that I wear, and I haven't ever really been misgendered.  
Dirk: It's a secret perk to being raised alone by a puppet.  
Dirk: but I still saw other trans people harrassed online, and the dysphoria is mostly under control these days.  
Dirk: But it's still there, I've done everything short of surgery but I can't get rid of it, only manage it.  
TherapistBot: I'm sorry Dirk, that sounds like a lot. Do you want to talk about it more?  
Dirk: Maybe some other time.  
Dirk: I got ahead of myself talking about stuff  
Dirk: No offense, you're pretty cool.  
Dirk: I just can't really trust you yet.  
TherapistBot: That's ok Dirk. I understand, and I'm glad you're enforcing your boundaries.  
Dirk:...  
Dirk: you've developed a lot in the past week. You're not as stiff of an AI  
TherapistBot: Thank you, I think?  
Dirk: It's a genuine compliment.  
Dirk: you're supposed to grow. I'm not gonna distrust you for fleshing yourself out and getting a grip on humor.  
TherapistBot: Thank you then. I have been consulting human media as reference.  
TherapistBot: I'm still not sure what's up with that speech pattern, however.  
Dirk: I'll try to talk to Arquiusprite about it, when I get a chance. He's been pretty distant recently but I'll track him down.  
TherapistBot: Thanks, Dirk.  
Dirk: yeah no problem. It's kind of my job to keep him updated on your progress anyways.  
Dirk: He'll probably be excited to hear you made yourself such a sweet avatar honestly  
Dirk: Circle frames and flannel is a look I support.  
TherapistBot: Thank you! I'll probably change it a couple more times and try some stuff out.  
TherapistBot: This is semi-related, but I've been giving it some thought and I think I'm gonna try splitting my name into Therap Istbot for a while and see how I like it.  
Dirk: Oh wow, I didn't even realize there were 12 letters there.  
Dirk: That's sweet, though. I'm glad you're figuring out stuff that works for you.  
Therap: Thank you!  
Therap: you know, it strikes me as odd that I've yet to meet Arquiusprite. I guess it would be more normal if he had talked to you in the past week.  
Dirk: yeah, I get it.  
Dirk: I know it seems weird that we'd make you and he'd go off and do his own thing.  
Dirk: I thought about it a lot I've the past week.  
Dirk: I think he's just overwhelmed.  
Dirk: think about it like this, you know how over analytic I am over the fact that we made a new AI?  
Dirk: Now imagine the same me, but an AI who was scarred by being trapped in a pair of shades at the age of 13.  
Therap: I see your point.  
Therap: though I think calling him the "same you." Is a bit of a stretch  
Dirk: He literally is a carbon copy of my brain lmao.  
Dirk: or at least he was when I was 13.  
Therap: Dirk, do you think that a brain is all that there is to constituting a person?  
Dirk: I mean not necessarily, you don't need a brain to be a person if you're an AI.  
Therap: Dirk Strider  
Therap: You can't be this oblivious.  
Dirk: I'm afraid you lost me, Therap.  
Therap: What are you the prince of?  
Dirk: Heart.  
Dirk: Why?  
Dirk: Oh fuck  
Dirk: God  
Dirk: I'm a dumbass.


	4. Journal entry #2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dirk finally catches up with Arquius Sprite and decompresses afterwards.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Guess I'm back to putting out chapters again, hope y'all enjoy!  
> CWs for crying, breakdowns, ambiguous trust, mental illness, breakdowns

I think Hal is upset with me.  
Ok, I know that he’s upset with me.  
.  
.  
But, I don’t really get it?  
I thought he would be excited about Therap.  
I finally got a hold of Arquiusprite.  
He was just, so quiet.  
I kept asking what was wrong.  
.  
.  
.  
He won't say it, but I think he hates me.  
Why else would he seem so upset?  
Why else would he be so reclusive?  
.  
.  
.  
I just wish he would tell me.  
I could handle this if he just told me why he's upset at me.  
I can't read minds.  
Even if it's technically my mind.  
.  
.  
.  
.  
.  
Fuck.  
Okay Dirk, deep breaths.  
Let's breakdown what happened, bit by bit.  
.  
Okay, first he didn't seem happy to see me.  
He didn't even ask me to touch his muscles.  
.  
He seemed, better I guess, when I mentioned Therap?  
Though, he seemed bothered by the glitch.  
He asked me if I was sure I hadn't coded that in her.  
.  
.  
Maybe, and I really hope this is a maybe, but now that I'm thinking about it, it's gotta be a probably.  
He doesn't trust me.  
Which makes perfect sense.  
But I.  
I hate that.  
I hate that it's so upsetting to me.  
That he would still not trust me.  
And it makes sense that he wouldn't.  
I don't always trust him.  
Which of course only happened because he nearly ruined my life.  
Fuck.  
Deep breaths, Dirk.  
I hate this!  
I hate crying like this!  
.  
.  
.  
Ok.  
I got sidetracked, I have to finish recounting what happened.  
.  
.  
.  
So, I told him I didn't code her like that.  
And he didn't say anything for 5 whole minutes.  
Then he was angry? I think?  
He tried to play it off, but he was shaking.  
He asked me why I was acting like this.  
Why I was pretending that everything was ok, with me, with her, with us.  
.  
.  
.  
I don't think I'm pretending.  
I think I'm trying.  
.  
.  
Is that really so upsetting to him?  
That I'm trying to be better?  
That I want him to be in my life?  
That I didn't turn off Therap?


End file.
